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Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Up, down and diagonally

A truly gorgeous work colleague once described me as the team ambulance (which is better than the team bike I suppose). What I took her to mean by that is that people seem to be comfortable talking to me about their hopes, fears and worries which hopefully made them feel better. Having said that since having had my taxpayer share of blue lighted ambulance rides now I hope it didn't mean I am noisy, slightly uncomfortable , with sagging suspension!!
Anyhow I guess I have always been pretty open about my feelings, I   have always subscribed to the theory that a private fear if told aloud becomes less scary, that a spoken dream is more likely to be realised and that everyone deserves to hear that they're valued and loved....oh and if they're being a bit crap as well.  Over the years this approach has served me well and helped me understand how I am motivated to get through things that are hard. I know I need encouragement and gentle praise for a job well  done and this 'pop' journey started in a similar vein. The doctor telling me I was doing well lowered my blood pressure more than any pill, my friends and family words of support and encouragement ( and piss take) lifted my mood but something this time is different. There is no fixed outcome, pass mark or target to aim for, just small successes that change as how well I feel can shift each day. This time the fear I have sometimes wrestles my optimism to the ground in a head lock an Olympian would be proud of. Never before have I experienced something in my life  that makes me so uncertain of what step to take next,  or even how to take that step, or even if I can. I find myself adopting a new approach to coming to terms with the changes in me which I find alien at first;, slowness. Writing this was done over three days by taking tiny bites out of it. I can't concentrate or read for long so this way I still get the achievement of completing it just not in the way I may have done previously. I realised this because of a glorious old apple tree in our garden. Bear with me!! This tree lay itself down last week. It gradually lowered itself to vertical position over a few days as if it could no longer support itself in its current form. The tree surgeon came( cool they have surgeons too,) and said if we left it lying then in no time it would send up new shoots and grow in a different way but bear the same fruit. (see where I am going with this...?) Time and the openness to change is what I am trying to learn now from my more supine position. The tree? Well we had that chopped up for firewood for the winter.....but the root remains to explore its new potential.

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