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Saturday 14 July 2012

One step backwards.

128 days ago life changed as quickly as a balloon can burst. I suffered a sub arachnoid brain hemorrhage and added complications of a fluid build up hyydrocephalus. These ramblings are not about the fight for survival which I experienced then but a sharing of my views ,feelings and experiences as I take a step backwards my first to date, in what, to date, has been an amazing recovery in a rollercoaster ride. Normal is an illusion let me tell you, but to set the scene, I had reverted to life at somewhat normal levels of activity albeit at a reduce pace to that I lived it at prior to March 8 th when my head went POP. Then last week I felt the tightening band around my head return. Yikes. This unfortunately could only mean one thing,it meant the unwanted extra brain fluid , or gerbil juices as I like to think of them, had returned. Fear of the unknown is tough , fear of what you know brings the added passenger of anxiety. For me it brought with it the memory of my previous experience. Let me tell you, gerbil juice overload is not the best ride you can take in this funfair we called life. I confess to being angry that it was happening to me again and a little scared of the pain I knew that would inevitably follow in the coming days. That was last Friday. Since that time I have had drain off of gerbil juice,not unlike to the first stage of an oil change I imagine. Undignified. Tick. Painful. Tick. I have slept on a ward with an ever changing array of women. Loud. Tick. Smelly. Sometimes. I have been sad, been happy, been sick. The one constant thing I am focussed is getting better....which I am. What's the next step. Well first is that my doctor who treated me last time is back from holiday tomorrow and maybe then we can come up with a plan to stop these gerbils peeing in my head. Until then I hang in there. I cope with the pain. I forgive my nurses for being dismissive or slopy shouldered in administering duties on the odd occasion. Until then I don't inhale someone's (or my own) fart , I eat the inedible food and sleep through the noise. Until then. Because I am thankful to be here at all so know none of the other stuff matters really. Love. Kindness. Compassion. Family. Friends. These are what matters in my life and again and again they reveal themselves so I know on Monday there will be a plan and a way forward. Onwards and upwards.

4 comments:

  1. My goodness, for someone who works in software, I'm rubbish at posting a comment on a blog - this is my 5th attempt! Anyway...Hi Steph, love your writing and great to read your blog. So wishing you weren't going through this but best of luck for next week and the going forward plan. Thinking of you lots, just sorry that hasn't translated into something more helpful. All our love, Helen xx

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  2. Steph. You've been an inspiring colleague for years. I've gotten to know you personally too and know the amazing things you get involved in when you're not at work. And now when you've just experienced something that would have knocked other 'normal' mortals to the ground, you've gone and started a blog. Unbelievable!! I can't wait to read your next instalment (well actually I already have and laughed out loud picturing the poo). I'm so proud to know you. Alana xxx

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  3. Only you can be so clever and witty in a situation like this. Truly inspiring and uplifting. It was lovely to see you and can't wait to see you outside of that (slightly smelly) ward. Keep focusing on getting well! We miss you. Lots of love Camilla

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  4. Just come through to your blog from Different Strokes facebook page. Great writing and I hope it is a cathartic experience. I had an ischaemic stroke in Dec 2011 and am on the road to recovery - fatigue aside. Keep up the good work - blog writing and getting yourself on your feet again. Sure we'll talk on Different Strokes page in the coming weeks. Linda

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