Saturday, 14 July 2012
One step backwards.
128 days ago life changed as quickly as a balloon can burst. I suffered a sub arachnoid brain hemorrhage and added complications of a fluid build up hyydrocephalus. These ramblings are not about the fight for survival which I experienced then but a sharing of my views ,feelings and experiences as I take a step backwards my first to date, in what, to date, has been an amazing recovery in a rollercoaster ride. Normal is an illusion let me tell you, but to set the scene, I had reverted to life at somewhat normal levels of activity albeit at a reduce pace to that I lived it at prior to March 8 th when my head went POP. Then last week I felt the tightening band around my head return. Yikes. This unfortunately could only mean one thing,it meant the unwanted extra brain fluid , or gerbil juices as I like to think of them, had returned. Fear of the unknown is tough , fear of what you know brings the added passenger of anxiety. For me it brought with it the memory of my previous experience. Let me tell you, gerbil juice overload is not the best ride you can take in this funfair we called life. I confess to being angry that it was happening to me again and a little scared of the pain I knew that would inevitably follow in the coming days. That was last Friday. Since that time I have had drain off of gerbil juice,not unlike to the first stage of an oil change I imagine. Undignified. Tick. Painful. Tick. I have slept on a ward with an ever changing array of women. Loud. Tick. Smelly. Sometimes. I have been sad, been happy, been sick. The one constant thing I am focussed is getting better....which I am. What's the next step. Well first is that my doctor who treated me last time is back from holiday tomorrow and maybe then we can come up with a plan to stop these gerbils peeing in my head. Until then I hang in there. I cope with the pain. I forgive my nurses for being dismissive or slopy shouldered in administering duties on the odd occasion. Until then I don't inhale someone's (or my own) fart , I eat the inedible food and sleep through the noise. Until then. Because I am thankful to be here at all so know none of the other stuff matters really. Love. Kindness. Compassion. Family. Friends. These are what matters in my life and again and again they reveal themselves so I know on Monday there will be a plan and a way forward. Onwards and upwards.