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Thursday, 16 January 2014

Making Hay

Happy New Year to all. I personally am hoping for a pretty uneventful , even bland year. Keeping to a slightly smoother path would be welcome too rather than my potholed if eventful route of late .

Him indoors is stretching his muscles and upping his training regime after agreeing to run London marathon this April for  The. National Brain appeal. There will no doubt be plenty of shameless plugs for sponsorship in next installment. I am considering selling space on his shorts or is that just inappropriate? Anyway the dog is already beginning to flag in the training as they are up to the 10 miler runs now. (I know, the thought of that  is just painful to me.)  Anyhow dog was used to 6/7 mile distances but this is a bit much for his aging bones so Hubby is now having to run one shorter circuit , come back drop the dog off and then go out again. If he doesn't do this  and leaves him behind then our mutt sulks even though he's been spared a tortuous distance. He thinks he's the original hunter runner dog I think.  There's just no pleasing some animals. Just goes to show we all resist change!

So I'm sure you know the expression, 'making hay whilst the sun shines', well I have decided to make a small amendment to this adage so my version of it now reads ' make a little bit of hay everyday if the weather is good and the gate to the field is open and it's good underfoot '

I have learnt somewhat begrudgingly that if I do too many of the familiar and energy consuming tasks I used to just do quickly and unthinkingly every time I feel a little more well and have the strength to do them then I very fast deplete the reserves that my healing brain is working so hard to rebuild. I think I've said before I have to go very slow and it's still taking some getting used to. It's a bit of a quandary for me to be honest, taking the decision not to do something today because I know it may possibly mean I am worse for it tomorrow, it goes against the grain to do very little.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing though. I mean this style is not all that unusual at all in many cultures but it's just so in contrast with the fast paced, grab and have it all society that is primary in this country and not always considered good and worthwhile.We all slow down as we age, that's not unique to me I know but I am learning about the limits and brakes of a body with less energy to spare and adjusting to that change.

I catch myself sometimes labelling myself as not being as useful, as successful, as valuable as I previously thought  I was which was probably rather egotistical of me.  So I have learnt some more about myself through my illness and it was a surprise to me that my subconscious bias linked the value and worth of a person , myself especially, to how much they manage to achieve. That's why it's called subconscious I guess . Anyway It's been an eye opener for me that whilst I have managed to reclaim many prior skills and abilities, and maybe I can do stuff to the same quality , I definitely can't do it as fast as I used to and that's ok , it doesn't make the achievements any less, any better or worse , and hopefully that's teaching me a few things.

It makes perfect sense to me that my brain is still using masses of energy as it heals and creates new connections which probably leaves less spare processing power to keep up with the other day to day stuff.  I have to take that into account these days and I think I still have plenty of contributions to make with any luck but I'll have to do them in my own way and time and not necessarily in a way I might think is expected of me and that's really the greatest change I've noticed in myself since all this kicked off.

Interestingly I suppose hubby is doing the same thing with his running. He will prepare for and run the same course as everyone else in April but he'll do it in his own style, time and capability, he can't do anything more or less than that if he wants to finish the race. Ooh that's a bit deep. Too much thinking. Off for a lie down.!


  1. Whilst it's straightforward to find out that after an aneurism life will move more slowly, and not difficult to outwardly admit that it's not possible to do things at the same speed as before, accepting it inside on a day to day business is an entirely different matter. You're so right to mention the subconscious Steph, as that part of you is not easily convinced that what you do is good quality no matter how long it takes you to complete it. That part of you is still there and still pushing for you to do more, faster, better, higher, further... Your warm, caring, intelligent and kind inner self will just have to adapt. And it is trying to! xxxx