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Thursday, 31 December 2015

Lost and Found

So many things changed for me post my brain pop but I expect some of the deficits would have come to me as it probably does to all of us with age , like the loss of short term memory and brain fogs. Some are maybe an exaggeration of what was always there in my character , feistiness and irritability are definitely up a notch on before but my empathy and patience increased in bucket loads and my pain threshold is off the scale. So always a gift. Other skills and traits have disappeared, maybe they just waiting quietly to be rediscovered or maybe buried forever. Only time will reveal and that's the mystery of living with a hidden condition, it steals away previous capability but with fortune there is always the possibility of a new path, a new style, it just takes some getting used to. 

I don't ever wish my brain haemorrhage hadn't happened or wished it to someone else, how could I when I am one of the few so fortunate to survive something like that, 2/3 people don't live through a SAH so I just feel very lucky mostly and my new version it is what it is and now that time has passed enough water under the bridge and I feel far enough away from the horror and pain that came along with my sudden event and the hard year that followed I just feel privileged to be able to learn and observe from my own struggles as I become familiar to living with this new version brain of mine and its onboard kit. 

So as we head to the start of another year I thought I would share my lost and found list of living and adjusting to life post my SAH bleed and the subsequent surgeries for that and my shunt James which has left my brain changed forever.  

I lost brain a lot of brain cells 8/3/2012 due to the severity of bleed and through the surgeries and hydrocephalus  but I have learnt , regained and found new ways of learning since then and I now treasure and treat my brain a lot more kindly and tread a little more gently through life.  

I have lost touch with some friends since that time but have gained an understanding of what true friendship looks and feels like. I am blessed to have the people that I do and I don't ever take their friendship for granted. I just hope I can one day help them the way they have helped me .

I have lost a lot of worry and fear, it's strange how an event that forces you to know your own mortality can do that but I have found I am much more at ease and accepting of situations and really don't worry about much.

I lost a little of my ambition. Well I think it's safe to say I have realigned it to the possibility of achieving whatever my current state allows but in doing that I have found I enjoy just doing what I do, for now anyway.

I have lost respect for people that just moan and witch about everything and everyone without doing something to change but have found courage to walk away and distance myself from that. You don't ever need that stress in your life and it appears my brain hates the effect of it therefore I do not allow it in mine.

I have lost a lot of social fun times and this has been hard to adjust to as you see I liked a bit of scene, a party, a loud concert but I have found I adore a 121 conversation just as much these days , it requires less energy and booze than dancing on a table and I don't  care too much about the subject on offer as long as it's one that interests, intrigues or inspires and is with good company.

I have lost living for tomorrow or in the past. I have found I can only do what I do and live in today and with a bit of luck and a fair wind I will have another one tomorrow and if it doesn't well I can say,'well today was a good sort of day'

I have lost the ability to sleep completely flat due to the effect of my shunt at night so now sleep Barbara Cartland style propped up on cushions but without the pink nighties and feather boas but have found that you really can get used to and adjust to anything if you keep a positive outlook. I mean every time I forget and tip my head to far or back I get to hear my gravitational valve work and move, how cool is that, I get to hear the internal workings of the rubies at work with the hamsters. 

I have lost count of the pills, procedures, scans and doctors I have seen  but I have found that progress is best measured by looking at your lowest point and then where you are today, nothing else really matters.

I have found it always good to try help someone else no matter what your struggle is and so I have the lost the inhibition to offer help if I think it's needed. 

I have lost the feeling that I have to go it alone for something to matter or be worth something and learnt it's actually better to #lean in , you can take the corners better and it makes it easier to hug other people if you do. 

In closing my blog musings for this year I thought I'd share an Apache blessing with you which I rather like, not sure of the author but if anyone knows please let me know so I can credit it. Happy, peaceful and healthy 2016 to you all. 

"May the winds from the sky world blow direction upon your own course,
May the sun provide warmth and healing,
May the moon light your way when you are lost,
May the Earth be steady under your feet so you walk in a good way,
May all respect you in your path,
May you respect all in their's,
At the end of this day may we gather together,
To celebrate a day well done."


  1. Beautiful as always :) May 2016 be a happy new year of continued 'finding and losing' all my love Suzanne

    1. Thanks Suzanne. I float this out there just because but I confess I do love knowing it gets read and that maybe people just stop and pause and look around a little longer and appreciate the here and now after reading. I know you do that anyway as your wonderful photos capture what you see . Have a healthy happy 2016 x