Lowering the curtain

It’s been a decade since I went pop. That hardly seems possible that all this time has passed but equally what does the period of a decade passing really measure or tell us. Sure we all know it is a count of ten years, but that statement can never encapsulate all of the shift , change and adjustments that have happened during this time. I use my mindfulness practice a lot to try and bring pause to each and every day and get some measure of how I am feeling at a given time but what it has most helped me to do is flex my ability to stay with difficulty. I reflect one decade on that there has been an awful lot of difficult moments and pain in that time but most of them are equalled by growth, by curiosity, surprise and joy of what is possible. And that brings balance.

If someone had told me ten years ago that my life as I knew it was going to totally transform or that I would physically be broken and I would have to start a process of rebuild and explore really difficult emotions I think that I would have asked for an immediate deferment. 

But now I wouldn’t have changed it happening other than for the sake of saving some heartache for those around me, especially my amazing daughters, as having to adapt to a mum that is quite dramatically different and challenging to live with at times has been no easy path. The early years were filled with so many hurdles, at times i doubted whether i could ever get to something that resembled my previous normal independance. PTSD was a constant uneasy companion , the hangover of my sudden trauma and the need to submit to so many awful but neccesary procedures at the mostly kind hands of my NHS heroes. Panic attacks were not uncommon, but slowly, bit by bit the pieces of me started coming back, its just they didnt fit how they did previously. So I had to be patient, more open to change than I ever had been before. New paths opened, old doors notched ajar, some firmly closed forever...(skiing i miss you), but new adventures opened up like learning SUP , meeting and making new huddles of friends who got to meet this me, never having known the old. being able to laugh more and cry less with those who shared my losses along the way. The confidence in what I can do has built year on year, some fails and many falls along the way. Health wise I am now in a really steady place, my physicians are happy with me, James is behaving himself and I’m physically fitter and more capable than I was a decade ago albeit still living with the cognitive deficits that will never recede. 

I mostly have coping mechanisms for those and whilst they can still rock me , especially when my speech, eyesight or balance decide to fly away temporarily as a result of my expending too much energy, the trade off is I really know myself better now than the version of me beforei had my brain bleed. I am more protective of my boundaries and really try and invest in making sure I am keeping that steady state as much as it is within my control. 

So when new challenges pop up, as they do for us all, I can take the proactive and protective route of dialling myself down in terms of how I spend my time, it means I am constantly re-calibrating and shifting and that’s a pretty nice way to be. Brain Injury land is a scary place to live some days. But equally I know that I am not alone in that, I have people who understand, who get it, who live it and so I don’t feel isolated anymore and we can each draw strength from each other on the not so good brain drain days. 

I’ve blogged throughout the last decade but I think this will be my closing one on this subject. It’s not that it is over or a complete story for me, that there aren’t still challenges to face but more that today I can embrace me as I am and so maybe that means I am finally at the closure of acceptance for all that I am and what remains possible and I have laid down some of my fear to go backwards but equally I am fully facing forward from here on out. 

To all of you who have held me up so many times, with kind words, gentle arms, all those check ins, please know I am grateful from the bottom of my heart. To those from whom I stole International Womens Day to mark a more harsh event know that it continues to get better and so distant from that awful day. I send love and healing to everyone who reads this. 

 ‘May we all be happy, healthy and free from pain and suffering’. That is my wish for myself, for my loved ones and for all. 

  It's been a helluva decade and a helluva ride. pop goes tifty.

thanks for staying the course. x

3rd popiversary reflection

8th March marks International Women's Day each year and gives celebration and recognition to the advances made in women's equality but also seeks to recognise and highlight the struggles faced by women across the world every day but 8 March for me is also the anniversary of a day of which I have no memory but marks a moment in my life when I had very good fortune to survive an SAH but rewired the person I once was. My feelings and memories of the experiences that followed for me after that IWD  resurface with me every anniversary whether I wish them to or not as I and others recall and note the date so thought worth a blog moment.

That day I was happily pottering through life with no inkling of what was going to unfold next, it was just a regular day at work when everything literally went pop. Good friends and prompt amazing medical care and great fortune gave me a good outcome that day.   None of us can ever predict what's around the corner, but only hope we have the strength and good luck to tackle what might come our way and every day since 8-3-2012  has been a tallychart of tracking my progress and what I am capable of doing, on that day, at that hour, in that minute. It would be wrong of me to compare my struggle in magnitude to any of those women in war torn countries or living in crisis but my experience in the days that have passed since has increased my empathy and understanding for anyone facing challenges, struggles, terror which they seek to overcome.

There is a privilege for me in being able to reflect over the three years that have passed since my life changing pop and see my progress and improvement in health and ability. Time has passed far enough now that much of the horror and epic personal battles are faded and less powerful in their ability to scare me. Yes I can still be gripped with a new pain delivered by my healing grey matter and the realisation of the extent of changes wrought when that invisible aneurysm hidden in my brain unexpectedly and dramatically burst, is still developing. I find out new limits but often this  opens new doors.  I am reminded weekly, if not daily, of different barriers to completing things the way I used to do but will always seek alternative solutions. The beauty in all of this is that I get to see what I can do now and really appreciate progress but equally learn tolerance to accept what is different from my previous version of me and where my capacities have changed.  Given my starting point and prognosis that fateful day I can only be grateful for what I am able to do since and now .  I like learning and this healing brain has always gives me the chance to learn constantly, I relearnt how to do so many things, I learn how to live with pain, to cope with brain fatigue and I learn to say no and ask for help and it's those last two that are two of the hardest to keep practicing and make a habit.

Thing is that people really do seem to like to be asked to lend a hand, they really do and most, not all, just want to try and help you to progress past your struggle. Not do it all for you, or solve it, fix it, but just raise you up to assist you in moving forward and that for me is what IWD is really about ,it's a positive movement of progress and assistance which is not always without struggle so it's seems fitting my popiversary shares the date. It's about really seeing and noticing people around you who might need a hand and not being frightened to offer some of your help. It is also about being kind to yourself and telling yourself 'well done' at the hardest of times of your life because all of us face struggles and challenges but our biggest champion and supporter in continuing to have energy to battle them is yourself. So if that little voice in your head today brings doubt to your table then why not replace the internal commentary with the kind of supportive and kind advice that you would offer a loved one in a similar situation and give that counsel to yourself. I try to do that each day, I don't want the doubt and fear to take hold I just want encouragement that tomorrow can be better so that it what I have told myself each night ever since I came round in my hospital bed in the days after my IWD,  and you know what, it often it is. As Churchill once said, 'never,never,never, never give up'.