Lowering the curtain

It’s been a decade since I went pop. That hardly seems possible that all this time has passed but equally what does the period of a decade passing really measure or tell us. Sure we all know it is a count of ten years, but that statement can never encapsulate all of the shift , change and adjustments that have happened during this time. I use my mindfulness practice a lot to try and bring pause to each and every day and get some measure of how I am feeling at a given time but what it has most helped me to do is flex my ability to stay with difficulty. I reflect one decade on that there has been an awful lot of difficult moments and pain in that time but most of them are equalled by growth, by curiosity, surprise and joy of what is possible. And that brings balance.

If someone had told me ten years ago that my life as I knew it was going to totally transform or that I would physically be broken and I would have to start a process of rebuild and explore really difficult emotions I think that I would have asked for an immediate deferment. 

But now I wouldn’t have changed it happening other than for the sake of saving some heartache for those around me, especially my amazing daughters, as having to adapt to a mum that is quite dramatically different and challenging to live with at times has been no easy path. The early years were filled with so many hurdles, at times i doubted whether i could ever get to something that resembled my previous normal independance. PTSD was a constant uneasy companion , the hangover of my sudden trauma and the need to submit to so many awful but neccesary procedures at the mostly kind hands of my NHS heroes. Panic attacks were not uncommon, but slowly, bit by bit the pieces of me started coming back, its just they didnt fit how they did previously. So I had to be patient, more open to change than I ever had been before. New paths opened, old doors notched ajar, some firmly closed forever...(skiing i miss you), but new adventures opened up like learning SUP , meeting and making new huddles of friends who got to meet this me, never having known the old. being able to laugh more and cry less with those who shared my losses along the way. The confidence in what I can do has built year on year, some fails and many falls along the way. Health wise I am now in a really steady place, my physicians are happy with me, James is behaving himself and I’m physically fitter and more capable than I was a decade ago albeit still living with the cognitive deficits that will never recede. 

I mostly have coping mechanisms for those and whilst they can still rock me , especially when my speech, eyesight or balance decide to fly away temporarily as a result of my expending too much energy, the trade off is I really know myself better now than the version of me beforei had my brain bleed. I am more protective of my boundaries and really try and invest in making sure I am keeping that steady state as much as it is within my control. 

So when new challenges pop up, as they do for us all, I can take the proactive and protective route of dialling myself down in terms of how I spend my time, it means I am constantly re-calibrating and shifting and that’s a pretty nice way to be. Brain Injury land is a scary place to live some days. But equally I know that I am not alone in that, I have people who understand, who get it, who live it and so I don’t feel isolated anymore and we can each draw strength from each other on the not so good brain drain days. 

I’ve blogged throughout the last decade but I think this will be my closing one on this subject. It’s not that it is over or a complete story for me, that there aren’t still challenges to face but more that today I can embrace me as I am and so maybe that means I am finally at the closure of acceptance for all that I am and what remains possible and I have laid down some of my fear to go backwards but equally I am fully facing forward from here on out. 

To all of you who have held me up so many times, with kind words, gentle arms, all those check ins, please know I am grateful from the bottom of my heart. To those from whom I stole International Womens Day to mark a more harsh event know that it continues to get better and so distant from that awful day. I send love and healing to everyone who reads this. 

 ‘May we all be happy, healthy and free from pain and suffering’. That is my wish for myself, for my loved ones and for all. 

  It's been a helluva decade and a helluva ride. pop goes tifty.

thanks for staying the course. x