Often transformation comes as a planned event, on a domestic level it may be a household or building project, a garden makeover, a wardrobe clear out and splurge and transformation as a concept was not something I think I was unfamiliar with or so I thought. Change is the one constant I used to often tell myself , and my career for a large part of it before my brain pop was working with companies and people to look at what might be barriers to change and how you can engage along the way as you move to a new way of being . I was used to talking in terms of risk, of mitigation, impacts, consequences and plotting a route to take adjustments without the whole thing falling over.
And then I got do do a full user impact test of all my theories of what might actually help a person adjust to a transformation and whilst some definitely helped me ( like have a daily task list) , some swiftly proved to lip service concepts to what other people might have wanted to hear.
There is a quote I quite like;
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however , is disagreeable and therefore not popular. C.g.Jung.The truth is we don’t like to face up to the harder less palatable elements of change. Often in life we soften the messages of it, expecting that others can’t take the truth of a situation but that’s more the case when we are talking to ourselves, we try and hide from reality or the fear of what’s the truth. I was faced with a life landscape which had been transformed in an instant and pretty much none of it, none of me was recognisable to the body and mind I had grown up with. That was terrifying to be honest. What if none of it ever came back. I was entirely lost and broken. And I could have stayed there.
It was my Alice through the door but not just a fleeting moment in time, this new landscape was now something I had to now find a way to live and learn and adapt to. And do do that, to make that a possibility that took a whole load of trust of others and of myself to have permission to act. And that not something that sits easy.
I’ll try and give examples. Early on I was just hanging on, surviving, scarred, full of drugs and pain and absent from daily life. I had to trust that people I loved would look after my girls, that they would wrap them in the love they needed and also be truthful with them about their mum. And they did, not maybe my way but it was done. I couldn’t stand, walk , wash, do any tasks really unaided so had to trust those who then helped me that they wouldn’t let me fall, I had to give that trust unconditionally if I wanted all those things even knowing that sometimes I still might stumble. It was the only way through. I had to trust and most of all be curious enough to explore that this transformation, whilst sudden, whilst not on my agenda, still brought the only possibility of what was in front of me that day.
I started really small , I blogged early on about those, like enjoying hanging washing , or Going to the cinema, but as my confidence and knowledge of this changed version of myself grew, so did my keenness to just always try and see what I can do alongside the pain, the scar, the losses and hurt.
And that’s the power of any change , any transformation, Wanted or unwanted, you might realise right from the start it’s going to hurt like hell, that life as you know it can never be the same again or that realisation might come once you whilst you are in the midst, or late in the day, and yes you can rail and shout about that and that’s ok but at some point in order to really transform with it just have to accept there is no turning back of the page and to just trust that today will be one you can lift your head off the pillow , find what works and happily be you.
It is eight years today since my brain literally blew up. I knew nothing of it. I know everything of it now. I can’t remember really how I was before as this is me now and there’s no going back. I’m definitely similar in some ways to before, others things had to changes, some bits, well are gone forever. It’s not progress despite what anyone might badge it , it’s not innovation or evolution, it’s honestly adapting , evaluating, trading of what is possible today. And that’s really always been the only way to operate and transform. To know and test the limits of that new possibility and keep being open and curious and yes trusting that new ones will no doubt come and you’ll adapt to those too.
Be steady friends. Look at the possibility of today. And thanks for all the hands they still keep me up.
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